Why do people become more reserved as they grow older?

Writer: Abigail Liang

Editor: Quinn Smith

When we were young, it felt like we could do anything. Life felt like we were sailing in open waters with no regard or care for the large tides, the gusts of wind or where we were being taken. But as we grow older, the tide seems to calm down, and the wind turns into a light breeze as we begin to sail with caution. Human beings become more uninteresting or routine as they grow older as they begin to face realities of joining the professional world, become overly aware of the consequences of their actions, and experience limited social activity due to a decline in third spaces and the rise of technology. 

To begin, on the precipice of adulthood, one fully realizes the restrictive nature of the adult reality. Children are champions of the juvenile philosophy that they can follow their vast dreams of becoming singers, painters, astronauts, or writers. However, with age, the seemingly endless possibilities are narrowed down to a select few, including  the stereotypical career path of doctor, teacher or lawyer. This self-stifling is largely due to the fact that one is inadvertently controlled by the overemphasis on utility and financial abundance in our post-modern society. Choosing to pursue a job that many of us have dreamed of since a young age, one that we consider more fulfilling—such as a career in any artistic form—seems far more strenuous because we live in a world run by monetary and materialistic incentives. Social persuasion from the media, parents, and education has been described as “an important determinant in collectivist cultures and especially important for students interested in STEM careers” (Zhou and Shirazi). Spending hours painting is not seen to be as productive as becoming a doctor, who has a quantifiable number of patients whom she has cured from identifiable ailments. The income instability of most freelance and creative endeavours is increasingly prompting a shift in priorities, as is the weighing of the content offered by financial stability and catharsis from “fulfilling one’s calling”. Ultimately, a great deal of children' s dream professions are too idealistic to reconcile with the narratives that have only become more entrenched in the 2010s and 2020s. 

Furthermore, there is a jadedness that begins to permeate us as we age: we become hyper-aware of the consequences of our actions for several reasons. In our teenage years, our financial and personal dependence on our parents allows us to indulge in an unregulated hedonism—we do not think twice about spending our parents’ money or going out with friends late at night, with no intent of waking up on time the next day. Although these experiences are often harmless, they sometimes lead to typically adolescent mistakes that we learn from, which is why growing older naturally makes us more cautious. However, as larger mistakes are inevitably made and more consequences are inevitably suffered, some may internalize an over-cautious and protectively pessimistic attitude in a makeshift attempt to evade further missteps. Letting oneself go may induce a repeat of past mistakes, and suddenly, what could be lost outshines all that could be gained. Saving the money one works hard for is more important than splurging on dinner one night with friends. A warm, sunny day is not nearly enough to persuade a person to leave answering work emails to later. Instead of seeking excitement and adrenaline, we seek safety and stability. This is exemplified by our obsession with suburbia, or more specifically the notion that one ought to surround oneself in a sizable house and their own plot of succinctly fenced land. In regards to our infatuation with comfort and enclosure, in his novel The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran muses: 

What is it you guard with fastened doors?

Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power?

Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind?

Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone to the holy mountain?

Tell me, have you these in your houses?

Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master?  (Gibran, 38-39)

The notion that to succeed is to acquire our own space is preeminent; we have simply misidentified this space as physical instead of mental or spiritual. 

Finally, in an increasingly digital age there has been a notable decline in ‘third spaces’: areas apart from work and home that provide opportunities for community-building and facilitate social interaction. In the daily life of a grown up, one is often confined to either the home (the first space) and work (the second space). Third spaces–communal locations beyond work and home such as parks, libraries, bars, or community centres–experience both increased closures and underutilization in favour of digital ‘third spaces’ such as chatrooms and gaming lobbies. As a result, people are less incentivised to go out of their way to socialize in-person. Rather than driving to meet someone at a park or café to have a conversation, they choose to send a text from their phone for convenience’s sake. Though this lifestyle may seem efficient at first, maintaining a majority of one’s relationships online can prompt not only the typical consequences of copious social media usage, but also a warping of one’s perception of themself and those whom they are surrounded by. In particular, there are pressing psychological consequences that impact individuals with increased screen-time and social media presence. The ‘Epidemic of Loneliness’, uncovered by a 9-year longitudinal study conducted by Baylor University of over 45,000 individuals, describes how both passive and active usage of social media were positively correlated with increases in loneliness. Specifically during the pandemic years, when there was an increase in technology dependence, passive use (PSMU) rose sharply (PSMU in 2020=3.47 hours/week). A notable finding was that individuals with higher levels of passive use also experienced a steeper increase in loneliness, implying that digital communication increased isolation and decreased in-person connection. Moreover, even structures in the physical world that are not inherently social have become increasingly antisocial—only a stark few in North American cities can navigate on foot and public transit alone, where they cohabit subway cars, buses and streets with other locals. In the rest of these cities, car commutes isolate a person from the community around them. Recent efforts have been made to restore third spaces, especially in urban centers, but the tentativeness with which people are returning to such places suggests the detrimental impacts of their decline. 

Urie, L. (2025) The profound realization of sonder [photograph]. SonderPeak. sonderpeak.ca/the-profound-realization-of-sonder/ 

Yet, while all of these above entrenched forces attempt to assimilate us into a boring adult existence, leading a life of originality and agency is still quite plausible. After all, there exists a great well of successful writers, painters and astronauts that have shaped our culture. As Gibran states, “If there come the singers and the dancers and the flute players, buy of their gifts also. For they too are gatherers of fruit and frankincense, and that which they bring, though fashioned of dreams, is raiment and food for your soul” (Gibran, 44). Every profession–whether it be in medicine, technology, social sciences or the arts–is ultimately a craft, and every craft is purposeful. In a society that attempts to rank these crafts by a skewed metric of utility, it is vital to internalize the unique fruitfulness of every craft.

Works Cited

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet. Alfred A. Knopf, 2020. 

Roberts, J. A., Young, P. D., and M. E. David. “The Epidemic of Loneliness: A 9-Year Longitudinal Study of the Impact of Passive and Active Social Media Use on Loneliness.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, vol. 0, no. 0, 2025, https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241295870.

Zhou, Y., and S. Shirazi. “Factors Influencing Young People’s STEM Career Aspirations and Career Choices: A Systematic Literature Review.” International Journal of Science and Mathematics Education, 2025, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10763-025-10552-z.